| A game |
[Jun. 12th, 2009|10:30 pm] |
Let me tell you about a wonderful way to spice up your everyday journeys.
One day, as I was driving around Cincinnati, it occurred to me that when stopped at a red light, in a lane reserved strictly for turning left, few bother to employ their signal. However, if I took this prudence, those behind me would most often follow suit. These experiments with herd mentality gave birth to a standardized term:
Sheep- v.- to cause another person to do something for no discernible reason other than having witnessed you do the same.
Nowadays, my sheeping most often happens at crosswalks. The most basic sheepery is to disobey unnecessary "Don't Walk" signs and hope that others will follow. If you catch somebody trying to sheep you like this, you can counter it by looking both ways and deciding of your own volition that crossing is a good idea; even if seeing that person cross was what inspired you, it only counts as being sheeped if you follow blindly.
My greatest sheep to date occurred as I was exiting a bus. I saw that the walk light was blinking to warn me of an unfavorable change. I undoubtedly could have safely crossed at my normal speed, but I cut a mad dash for the fun of it. This sprint took me past a calmer pedestrian, who, upon seeing my haste, rapidly quickened his pace despite being mere feet from the safety of the next sidewalk.
Have you ever sheeped anyone? Or been sheeped? |
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| The stuff of legends |
[Sep. 22nd, 2008|09:22 pm] |
One day I went to clock in, but was met with the following error message:
"The system is currently down. If you wish to log in, please enter your password or contact an administrator or lpeaches (LEROY PEACHES)."
TMX Clock, you have no IDEA how badly I want to contact somebody named Leroy Peaches. |
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| Twist |
[Sep. 22nd, 2008|05:18 am] |
For the past week, my armpits have smelled like maple syrup.
The woman verifies this 100%.
Right now, that's fuckin' awesome. But I know that I'll never be able to eat pancakes again because from now on they're going to smell like my armpits. |
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| Let us ponder |
[Jun. 9th, 2008|10:47 pm] |
I was on the verge of buying a power adaptor, when I absent-mindedly glanced at the back of the packaging and saw:
CALIFORNIA PROPOSITION 65 WARNING: This product contains chemicals known to the state of California to cause cancer, birth defects, and reproductive harm.
So is California intentionally withholding their medical research from the rest of the world, in an effort to outlive us? Doubtful, because they're doing a lousy job keeping the secret if it's written on electrical equipment. If there were a conspiracy here, this power adaptor would have been "taken care of" long ago.
More likely, California discovered this phenomenon, but nobody believes them. I can easily envision a gaggle of snarky scientists saying "Oh sure, this thing is dangerous. In California." as they mime smoking a medicinal joint.
Share your theories! |
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| A shadow of its former self. |
[May. 25th, 2008|11:57 pm] |
In Thai, it means "The city of angels, the great city, the eternal jewel city, the impregnable city of God Indra, the grand capital of the world endowed with nine precious gems, the happy city, abounding in an enormous Royal Palace that resembles the heavenly abode where reigns the reincarnated god, a city given by Indra and built by Vishnukam".
In English, it's "Bangkok."
Doesn't quite have the same ring, does it? Somebody at Ellis Island must be exceptionally lazy. |
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| Cue rimshot |
[Oct. 2nd, 2007|05:14 pm] |
"Vodka," when filtered through an Indian accent, sounds more like "water."
Confusing, but strangely ironic, seeing as how vodka is basically water's evil twin. They look and smell the same, but if you put your ear up to both of them you can hear the water saying "You have to shoot us both! It's the only way to be sure!" |
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| My last performance |
[Nov. 15th, 2006|09:58 pm] |
I've decided how I want to die.
As I near my demise at the hands of whatever terminal illness comes to claim me, I want somebody to pour stage blood all over me and take me out into the rain. We will then have approximately this conversation:
Me: You finally got here. Looks like you're too late.
Them: Stop talking. You'll just make it worse.
Me: Never mind me, I'm too far gone already. Just do me a favor.
Them: Anything.
Me: Tell my wife... I... love her...
Them: Hey! HEY! Hang in there!
(No answer on account of deadness)
Them: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am now accepting nominees for a co-star. Gotta plan for the future ;) |
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| Analogy |
[Sep. 1st, 2006|11:37 pm] |
When a guy comes onto me, it's like somebody is telling me "This stereo is for sale, but it won't fit any of the outlets in your house." |
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| Double shot of irony |
[May. 10th, 2006|10:57 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | musings | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ninja Gaiden! | ] |
Anybody who's played a video game knows the frustration of finding a health item when one is already in perfect health.
But what if said item makes the acquirer flash with invincibility for a duration no longer than two seconds, thereby preventing an injury that would have caused need for the item in the first place?
Roll that around in your head for a little bit. |
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| Headlines |
[Dec. 7th, 2005|11:33 am] |
Quoth the AIM ticker: "Aniston Threatens Tabloids With Topless Lawsuit."
Holy shit, that sounds so cool. A topless lawsuit! Bring order to the court, but don't bring a shirt!
Okay, ew. That idea lasted about three seconds, until I imagined an eighty-year-old judge without a shirt. |
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| Drama time! |
[Nov. 15th, 2005|05:50 pm] |
From: The Qing Ding Pearl, a classical Chinese opera
Ting Lang: You talk pretty big; what is your name anyway?
Li Chün: I'm the Dragon that confuses the Rivers.
Ting Lang: You mean you're the stink-bug in a ball of dung.
Li Chün: Just wait till I give you a walloping, you eight days' spawn of a turtle!
(here Hsiao Ên begs them to desist. But Ni Jung joins in the vituperation.)
Ni Jung: (to Ting Lang) Roll back, and I'll gouge out your eyes and boil them in liquor! I'll flay your hide and mix it with dog-skin to make a plaster for carbuncles.
Ting Lang: Stop bragging! What's your name I'd like to know?
Ni Jung: I'm Ni Jung, the Curly-haired Tiger.
Ting Lang: What sort of louse in a mongrel's hair are you?
Ni Jung: Look out for a thrashing, you mouldy spawn of a turtle.
Ting Lang: Just wait, don't be in such a hurry. I'll first take off my hat and gown...
(Hsiao Ên attempts to dissuade them from fighting.)
Ting Lang: (to Hsiao). You hold him while I run away. (exit) |
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| You know what sucks? |
[Aug. 23rd, 2005|01:06 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | musings | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | Disappointed | ] |
My sweaty sock smells exactly like biscuits, but nobody else has the balls to smell them.
Don't you just hate it when you find something cool like that and the whole world thinks you're crazy because of it? |
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| I shit you not! |
[Aug. 14th, 2005|05:38 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | musings | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | Awed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Speechlessness | ] |
A quote from a book about the history of ninja:
"Several popular works mention an attempt by Hajikano Jube'e to kill the famous ninja Momochi Sandayu using a bagful of hungry weasels. Sandayu apparently thwarted the assassination by the unlikely act of throwing a bag of rat manure over Jube'e, at which the weasels turned their attentions to him, and bit Jube'e to death." |
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| Yogurt: Attention whore? |
[Jun. 30th, 2005|03:45 pm] |
I was eating some yogurt today, when I noticed the label said "Same great custard style!" This is a waste of ink, and of the time I spent reading it. A product is supposed to advertise when it changes, not when it stays the same.
Drawing comparisons, who among you would think me a jackass if I were to interrupt your lives to declare (loudy, with exclamation points) that I am the exact same guy I've always been, and that if you liked me before, it will be your natural tendency to keep liking me?
None of you would put up with that for very long. Don't treat your yogurt any differently. |
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| Yup, it's fo sho now |
[Jun. 13th, 2005|01:59 am] |
I just got back from the funeral of the woman who, by every standard save for biology, was my grandmother. And just seeing her there, so different from her old self, with the preacher going "Don't remember her like this- remember her how she lived," reaffirms something I had decided upon some time ago:
I want to be buried in a ninja suit. And if they put any makeup on me, it better be to blacken around my eyes.
Let me count the reasons:
1. You don't have to look at my face. You just get to remember what I actually looked like.
2. It'll add a touch of lightheartedness to the occasion, of which I happen to be quite the advocate.
3. Why waste a perfectly good suit on a dead guy? A shinobi shozoko will set you back fifty bucks at the most.
4. There's really no sense in trying to find something that would look better on me.
5. If we show up in some sort of afterlife dressed like our cadaver, I'll be the happiest guy on the block.
Cool. Now that that's settled, I'm going to get back to being alive. Probably forever. So, sorry to waste your time talking about situations that probably won't happen... ever. |
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| How to do something awesome |
[Jun. 12th, 2005|11:21 pm] |
1. Dig a hole.
2. Put a trampoline at the bottom.
3. Fill the hole with leaves.
4. Plant delicious flowers in the area.
5. Hide.
6. Enjoy the bewildered look on the faces of deer who fall into your hole and bounce back up. |
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| Science! |
[Jan. 26th, 2005|05:17 pm] |
Interesting distinction in human psychology.
If you offer someone cheese on a plate, they'll take some.
But if you offer someone cheese in a bag, they'll refuse every single time. |
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| Profound discovery |
[Oct. 27th, 2004|01:01 am] |
According to my queries, there is no such thing as a website with the url www.skankboat.com.
How the human race uses my discoveries is something only time will tell. |
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