| How to meet new people |
[Sep. 26th, 2009|03:30 am] |
Me: What's that on your shirt?
Silence: (Breathes)
Me: My first guess would be that it's a lightsaber. But I don't think lightsabers have actual light bulbs attached to them.
Dan: That's what it is. It's a lightsaber with a light bulb.
Silence: (Deep breath)
Me: Oh! I get it! |
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| More Relationship Wisdom |
[Dec. 5th, 2008|05:19 am] |
Never eat a slice of turkey, yell "Thanksgiving makeouts!" and then forcefully romanticize someone who's a much stricter vegetarian than you are.
And the sad thing is, she's still luckier than my last girlfriend. |
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| Major disclaimers |
[Apr. 12th, 2008|03:34 am] |
When I hug a girl, I have a tendency to put my hand against the back of her head and press it gently against my chest. This makes for a satisfying hug each and every time...
...PROVIDED SHE'S IN FRONT OF YOU! If you try this technique with someone standing to either side, you'll just poke her in the eye.
Furthermore, this maneuver is extremely habit-forming, and you must pay heed at all times to be sure it is only used on the opposite sex. Dudes do NOT enjoy being hugged in such a fashion.
ESPECIALLY if they are the same height as you!
I'm not explaining that last caveat. Draw a diagram. |
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| Note to self |
[Mar. 24th, 2008|04:02 am] |
The phrase "Hey, wanna see our impression of an orphan stabbing someone in the face?" has limited appeal. |
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| Burned |
[Nov. 25th, 2007|11:05 pm] |
Rick- I hate it when grown men drink Shirley Temples.
Me- Why?
Rick- Because it makes them look like a little girl!
Me- But you're drinking Coke and grenadine. That's almost the same thing.
Rick- Well this is Diet Coke, but what I mean is...
Me- Ooh, DIET Coke, huh? I see you're trying to maintain your figure, just like a real man.
(The onlookers burst out laughing. Rick stops dead in his tracks. I grin, proud of my lambasting.)
Rick- I don't know if you noticed this, but not everyone has a figure like a ten-year-old girl.
Ah well, I suppose I was due for a good humbling. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 25th, 2007|01:53 am] |
Today I tried to brush my hand against a girl as I walked past her, and ended up bashing her with my forearm.
I need to work on my gestures of affection. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2007|05:14 pm] |
The other day I tried to wink at a girl, but ended up just blinking emphatically at her.
I need to build some flirt muscles. |
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| I've been beaten... |
[Mar. 22nd, 2006|10:52 am] |
You might notice I'm not wearing a hat. That's because it's off to Chris Hyden. He got me good yesterday. Observe.
Him: (Noticing my tofu kebab) I see you got the meat substitute.
Me: Sure did.
Him: Freak.
Me: Yeah, well... I see you got the BRAINS substitute!
Him: Ooohh....
Me: Not to mention the testicles substitute.
Him: No. Unlike you, I don't like eating real testicles.
It was my fault. I shouldn't have entered his realm. I just wanted to hit him with something that would really speak to him. O, what I fool I was... |
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actionjack's journal
speechless and hatless